Control is relative, isn't it? I mean, all things considered, when you take all things into account, our past histories, our current situations and capabilities, and roll everything together, what we can and can not handle is relative to each person and instance, right? Then again, maybe control is just an illusion...
I've been telling people for quite some time that I have my migraines "under control" and even as the words form and escape from my lips I know I've entered onto slippery terrain. It's not just that I'm afraid of tempting fate, it's that I suddenly feel like the wife who knows her husband came home late every night last week smelling of perfume, but shakes it off once she remembers how closely he has to work with his secretary each day. Denial can be an incredibly powerful weapon - sadly, it tends to inflict its worst harm on the one wielding it.
I'm nearly 49 years old, I have discovered most of my migraine triggers, I take a daily preventative, and it's true, the frequency and severity of my once chronic daily migraines are nothing compared to what they once were, so maybe that's what has lulled me into telling others that I've got this thing practically licked. You know, when family members or people from my past ask in their most sympathetic voice, "Hey by the way, how are those migraines? I remember you used to have such a hard time." I now respond, "Oh, much better! I only have a half-dozen or so a month now, and they're not nearly as severe as they used to be!" I've gotten used to the strange stares. A half-dozen "manageable" migraines a month are a far cry from where I began, but I do recognize that six is still a larger number than the average Tom, Dick, or Sally expects as an answer.
This last month however, I decided to journal my migraines again. I've been on my Topamax for several years and I have a steady prescription of Imitrex - both injectables and pills, which keep me in check, but I started thinking, if I really have these migraines "under control", why do I need to keep putting all of this medication into my body?
I hadn't journaled my migraines for many years, but would you believe, I found this great i-phone app (there's an app for most everything!) and since mid-December, I've already had 6 migraines, that means I've been having twice as many as I've been telling people. I guess I didn't realize. I've been having migraines for so long, I've learned to just go through the motions, I mean, who counts anymore? The migraine I had yesterday was the worst in awhile, indifferent to Imitrex and lasting all day. I suspect that most were caused by sleep pattern disruption or neck issues, but there were no easily discernible triggers in any of the cases.
I haven't been to a neurologist in several years and my primary care doctors (I've had a few over the past several years) all just nod their heads and refill my prescriptions, asking "Do you think maybe it's time to go back to a neurologist again?"
A neurologist - the process of elimination, this drug, that drug, journaling, talking, appointments... I sure hate to think about going through the whole process again, but it sure would be nice to have this persistent beast under control. I mean, really under control. Maybe it is time to go back to a neurologist again...
Happy New Year all - Here's to a Pain Free year to all!
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